Why did you leave us, Dad?
That was the question in my little one’s eyes last night when I got home and was able to comfort him back to sleep. It is a question that haunted me the whole way home from Nashville to Knoxville. It was a question I needed to have an answer for.
I went to Nashville to go to the Writing For Your Life conference hosted at Belmont University. It was an excellent conference for someone like me, a new writer freshly forged in process of writing a book. I was an oddball someone who had a book, but I had no idea what to do with it. So naturally, I Googled “How to Publish a Book.” This went on for a while as I knew I was getting nearer to the time of publishing. Luckily my wife had an epiphany and Googled “Christian Writer’s Conference.” Writing For Your Life was the top return, and better yet the conference was soon and fairly priced, and I could stay with relatives for free! So we signed up just before early registration closed (saving a few bucks) and I started to get ready for a conference.
But, none of this answers my Son’s question? The reason I left is that I am not enough. I don’t know whether I will ever be enough. Going to this conference certainly revealed my lacking. While I was able to complete 4 degrees in 6 years during school, I have only had one full-time job in the last 4 years. It lasted 3 months because the company closed due to fraud allegations. In that 4 years, I have applied to hundreds of positions and interviewed a few dozen times only to be passed over and the position closed. I learned Python programming, streamed video games (for a short while), worked as a handyman and freelancer in anything I considered myself proficient. And, I wrote a book.
The book is what led to me Nashville. In an attempt to become something more, a writer perhaps. One of God’s jokes if you asked any of my English teachers from grade school. Yet, not so far-fetched when I look back at my life. If you regularly read this blog and its future content, you will get to see my book come out in bits in pieces while I squeeze editing and revision into nap times. Why did I leave? Not because being a Dad isn’t great, but because I want more, I want to be more, and right now it looks like I am not enough.